Look, there is no such thing as being “OK” in this world. There is only, “Are you hiding it well enough?” The answer is no. I don’t hide it. If I try to, I can’t hide it well. That’s why I can’t be a public-figure musician—I can’t hide things well. I openly express my full, absolute hatred for existence and the world, along with how disgusting human behavior is. I have brief moments of seeing and feeling beauty in existence, and they come from within my own mind and internal world when I do my daily rituals and routines. As soon as I look outward to the landscape of life, I see hell and the laughter of clowns.
I don’t believe the myths and stories the monkey tells me about life because I don’t see any evidence that the content of those stories relates to reality. Rather than spend my life energy trying to make the story real through mental gymnastics, I have accepted that it is not apparently real. This disturbs the other monkeys, because musicians are supposed to be entertainers who “tell stories” or “relay accepted stories.” I can do neither.
I can only see the true conditions that make us want to act, pursue, or seek out experiences in life. I am not interested in trying to force myself to see things a certain way, especially when I do not believe they are that way.
I will never be OK, because I am alive in this place. I will just feel better at certain times as opposed to others. I only want to deal with or relate to people who don’t judge or reject others for admitting this state of affairs. I am not interested in participating with you in human theater. I tried it before; it provided me with nothing other than total deception, false bonds, and false camaraderie.
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