I have previously said that the ability to know another's “true will” in the context of an intimate relationship is hard-limited by the inability to peer into the internal world and mind of another person. This has truth to it, but I have discovered what I believe to be a way to at least know if they are “fully present” and “emotionally invested” in you. This depends on how perceptive you are of your nervous system and the messages it relays to you from within the body.
Through repeated intimate affection in a relationship, a merging of nervous systems occurs that creates a “relational field.” Through this relational field, the nervous system receives telemetry that relays information to the body before the conscious mind can articulate it. This can manifest as anxiety, uncertainty, or feelings that you do not “know” the person you are with. Sometimes they may say that this anxiety is solely “your unreasonable trauma response.” There are cases where that can be true, but there are also cases where you may be getting information about a distortion in the relational field.
Things that cause distortions in the relational field that lead to anxiety include, among other things: unfinished parallel relationships; prior relationships still hanging over into the present; being separated but still emotionally engaged in “end-of-relationship games”; remaining connected to a previous relationship through business or lifestyle merges; concurrent flirting to keep back-up options in a partially lit state; outside oaths that create hidden compartments in thought and energetic field; avoidant systems that anchor to one unstable relationship for resources while creating fantasy compartments to access intimacy and energy they lack in their primary system configuration.
If the person you are with has any of these arrangements, and you are a person with a sensitive nervous system, you will perceive anxiety or a state of “cannot know this person” (something feels off). Modern dating psychology and culture have enabled and endorsed this type of “multiple parallel relationship” modeling, and as a result many people resist it because it is toxic to the nervous system. The nervous system requires a STRUCTURE of relationship intimacy in order to feel at ease and unthreatened.
This is probably why there are competing religious and societal models that propose how to manage matrimonial unions. Leaving the process to random will, or proceeding under the false premise that the nervous system will not deterministically react to certain configurations, leads to hurt, confused, and weary people. I am not saying any particular religious framework is the definitive answer. I see them as attempts by human beings to manage the reality of nervous system merging between the sexes, likely as a response to dysfunction that emerges without structure. I do not have the collective solution to this problem, but I recognize that structural rules that are willfully submitted to by both parties need to be in place.
I have at times been pressured to think that my anxiety in these configurations (parallel-orbit relationships, being part of a roster, identifying a surface-persona false self in a partner, detecting asymmetrical emotional investment, etc.) was solely a product of character deficiency such as insecurity or latent trauma. However, I have come to understand it as my nervous system detecting asymmetry in the relational field. The anxiety from this can produce a “confusion shutdown,” which must be differentiated from an avoidant shutdown.
Confusion shutdown: I feel I cannot get a fix on who this person is. My nervous system clocks that what they say does not match what they do before my conscious mind can articulate it. My peripheral scans detect dishonesty in a location not yet fully identified. I feel confused as to whether this is my trauma or their hidden compartments not yet seen. However, I do not avoid the feeling. I stay present, explain it, and continue until more information arrives. I do not leave or go silent. I am willing to consider the possibility that it could just be my “trauma trigger,” and I stay because I hope that the investment is mutual and the circuit can complete. This is key. I still want to find out more and stay, because if I see hope, my true wish is to merge safely and fully in total transparency and open-field energy. Someone could say these temporary confusion-anxiety shutdowns are pathology, but what negates that is the will to continue, repair, and test whether the structure is sound.
Avoidant shutdown: I do not practice this, but I have seen it often. This occurs when a clear structural barrier or fragmented-self system is identified (unfinished prior relationships, a roster of backups, emotional-supply friendships, loyalty to a cult or secret society that blocks transparency, a behavior or configuration that is truly toxic to love and intimacy). They respond by shutting down conversation: “Whatever you say,” “Ok,” “Understood,” “I’m not arguing.” This happens because they cannot rationally or honestly defend what has been uncovered. What they labeled as your anxiety or insecurity may actually have been your nervous system perceiving triangulation and lack of transparency. The avoidant chooses barriers to intimacy over integration: the backup option, the unfinished layover, the outside oaths, the masked persona.
The relational field is created by intimacy, and the nervous system relays telemetry from it directly into the body as somatic sensations before conscious thought. When you are being triangulated or playing a role in a compartment of an avoidant’s life, you may only experience somatic signals while being confused by their narrative assertions. Space or silence from them can allow your nervous system to process missing information that could not be apprehended during direct engagement. This is why no-contact can give the nervous system time to process telemetry and link feelings to memories and events, forming a structural picture of who the person was. If they are compartmentalized, you may realize you were part of a fantasy escape divided from their larger life. They cannot integrate their life as a cohesive unit and fear compartments bleeding together.
The one experiencing confusion shutdown is not avoiding. They are detecting an unintegrated, compartmentalized system. They push—sometimes with righteous anger—to remove barriers to intimacy and complete the circuit. The avoidant refuses integration and does not want barriers removed. They cannot admit their life is a series of masks interacting in compartments. The version you saw was a mask created for you. They want to “love you in the way you need to be loved,” right up until you point out that they are a mess of divided loyalty and compartmentalization. Then, they switch the narrative to pathologize you.
Modern dating culture often frames structure in intimacy as tyrannical. In reality, structure regulates the nervous system so it can feel safe and secure. Love is not a vacuum fantasy without rules or consequences. It requires boundaries, restrictions, and full presence. If someone is not showing up, your nervous system will alarm you.
My issue has always been with the assumption that people can maintain fragmented, compartmentalized relationships without nervous-system consequences. The idea of building concurrent relationships while with someone is absurd to me. People treat love like a game where transparency equals loss if the circuit is asymmetrical. You only lose if you stay after your nervous system reveals the circuit will not complete.
The person who resists completing the circuit (the avoidant) misses the best part: full transparency, open-field presence, and unrestricted affection. Giving this is not a loss—it is a pleasure. But if the circuit does not complete, you must remove yourself from asymmetry. Only a complete circuit should be embraced. Many resist this and call it pathological, but the nervous system does not care about narratives. Deep intimacy merges systems in ways that cannot be undone by stories or substances.
You don’t lose love—you invested it in vetting. The pain of asymmetry revealed a closed system. Your ability to love transparently proves your evolution. When you offer full love, you act at your highest frequency. If the other cannot complete the circuit, the energy does not vanish—you retain your charge. Processing the sorrow returns that energy to you. In a completed circuit, love flows both ways. In a broken one, the open person retains their charge. This is why patience, non-retaliation, and silence matter. Facing truth makes you whole; avoiding it fragments you.
It is a relational field governed by energetic laws you cannot outwit by will. You can delay their effects, but eventually they manifest in the body as pain (fibromyalgia is a known curse to the avoidant) and the urge to numb.
Modern dating advice often ignores nervous-system reality and the need for structure as a container for intimacy. Much of it is disconnected from how human regulation actually works.
You cannot maintain multiple concurrent loyalties, divided energy, compartmentalized selves, and still claim openness to full intimacy. This is not an opinion—it is structural nervous-system mechanics. The goal is full immersion with one person and leaving behind the social game that produces loops of confused suffering.